October 27, 2015
Thank You for this journey that is forever unfolding. Thank You for Your mystery and for the divine way You hold me and all things.
I’ve had many different relationships with the Void space over the years. It has always been a very sacred place for me to be. The Void is darkness and infinitely vast, as are the feelings and experiences that I have had within it. In my experience I have felt disconnected, ostracized, profound alone-ness, despair, overwhelmed, pain, grief, fear, smallness, worthlessness, total freedom, pure creation, sacred space, and a sense of home.
Heart-pain, grief, and deep despair are what propelled me into the infinite , vast, black space of no-time. The pain and darkness of my grief is what began my relationship to the Void. As I wept, from the depths of my being, from places I never knew existed within me, I felt myself go deeper into timelessness, surrounded by the dark. I had never known the darkness in this way before. I had never felt so intimate with it, or so held by it. I had never let myself go so far into it before. I felt timelessness and darkness holding me in my grief. As much pain as there was in my darkness, there was also a graceful and compassionate presence. I felt held by something much greater than I could ever begin to possibly imagine. It was a painfully sweet and sacred first encounter with my darkness.
My grief was like a submarine that took me into the depths of another world. As I woke up from this deep dive with my grief, I began to gain awareness of the vastness of the space and darkness I was in. It felt extremely big and immensely overwhelming. I didn’t recognize it as the place that held me in my grief before because I was now viewing it with different eyes and from a new place. What is this place? What am I doing here? Where are my walls and boundaries? Where is the light and color, the form and shape? Where am I?
I began relating to my darkness in a new way, gaining new awareness of my relationship to it. It began to feel unfamiliar and I felt utterly alone. I began to feel completely disconnected from the world I had once known to be around me. I cried out many nights as if I were an orphan of the Universe, calling for someone to connect with here, to know me here. But in my darkness there was only me.
My new awareness of my darkness as an unfamiliar, unknown space brought up fear. The space was feeling vast, dark, and empty. I felt small, weak, and powerless within it. But I remembered that this darkness that I was now fearing was the darkness that also lovingly held me. I remembered it was the same darkness where Grace and Compassion encircled my grief. And so I didn’t run from it, I stayed with it, and listened within:
‘…there may be fear here now , but it surely must have good reason. Because I know the Love here. I know that is truly all there is here. So this fear is coming from me. From inside of me. What is it that I truly fear here?…’
I fear the unknown vastness of my soul, of my mind, and of my heart. I fear the unknown vastness of my consciousness , and of my utter existence. And it is dark. I fear my smallness inside all this Greatness. How do I begin to relate to all of this?
I wanted to be felt , seen , and heard here. I wanted connection. With the revelation of the truth of my fear, I knew the connection I craved was connection with myself. To know, feel, see, and hear myself. To truly know Me.
I relate to my darkness by remembering that Love is at the root of all things. Love is truly what exists in darkness and inside of me, as Love is what first held me in my grief. I shifted my focus from the feeling of overwhelming and infinite darkness around me, and I chose to look within. With this new shift of focus, I began to notice my heart light and that this great darkness, my darkness, was holding the space for me to see it, to see my own light.
It was from this pure profound alone place, in my darkness, that I became curious about truly seeing myself for the first time. My darkness had become a doorway into my Self, providing me an invitation to get to know Me and begin my journey of self discovery. My darkness became the Void; a place of creation, re-birth, and beginning.
The only way to experience our big-ness is to experience our smallness. I had to be small and fearful in the vastness of my darkness to truly relate to my bigness. My darkness was no longer my misery, but a landscape of my discovery.
Even when the Void was my painful darkness, I felt the divine presence of Sacred Space. In my personal experience, Void is God. It is Source and the Unknown. It is the Goddess Mother and the All That Is.
Once we can view the darkness as sacred, we can begin to honor it as so much more than the pain we experience. And then we can begin to hold our own pain. We can develop relationship with it rather than fear it , hate it , ignore it, or run from it. It has so much to show us and teach us and is with us for a reason.
The Void is the ultimate space holder for whatever we need it to be. Holding space for us as we let go of who we think we are and become who we truly are. Holding space for us as we transition through and with our darkness. It is the womb of our own becoming.
This morning, I woke up out of sorts. High levels of energy with no channel of release feeling open or available to me. It was extremely uncomfortable , but I knew it was the medicine of the super moon in Taurus. I felt like a hummingbird in a cage. I needed to be in Nature. So I went for a hike to get focused and clear and to understand this energy I was experiencing. What was the truth of this?
As I walked onto the hiking path, I felt called to sit at the top of the lower falls. This place is what I call my surrender spot. Lately, as I have come upon tremendous points of surrender on my path, this particular spot on the trail has offered me its medicine, holding me and guiding me into full surrender.
As I called in sacred space and sat with the tree at the edge of the falls, I was taken immediately to a void space. I thought , ‘here I am again, another transition through the darkness.’ It has become quite familiar on my journey. But it seemed different this time. I found myself already there in the void space, rather than crossing into it or through it.
As I sat in this never-ending dark place, a centrifuge of light appeared. It was moving around me, building light, gaining speed, and expanding. Then the epiphany came to me:
‘This is my new foundation; the purest gift of creation. No boundaries or limitations, no judgements or restrictions. It is the place of all possibilities, and of instant manifestation. This is no longer the void I am passing through , this is the Void that I am accepting as me. This is the Void that is my backdrop for my Light to shine and be seen. It is my blank canvas from which to create my life and to express freely. This Darkness is ME. It is an intricate part of my wholeness. Without it my Light would not shine and I would not be seen.’
I have experienced the relationship with the Void as a ‘the blank canvas’ before. But at the time, it was too overwhelming. I felt too small to accept its vastness and all the infinite possibilities it held for me.
This time I was bigger , I was empowered, and I was expanded. I had released fear of the vastness, I had grown out of my smallness , and was able to embrace the Void’s infinity. This time I knew it was a gift and I recognized it as me. I was entering into yet another new relationship with the Void, with Darkness, with Me.
I had mostly known the Void as a feminine energy, as pure creation. But now the Void was becoming my solid foundation and my sounding board. It was also taking on the form as Divine Masculine , becoming a loving, strong, and allowing space for the Divine Feminine to create, express , and be.
This is my wholeness. This is the sacred union of my soul. This is my dark and my light in right relationship.
Beloved, show me how to be here , how to walk here, and how to see here. Show me how to be in relationship with my new foundation, the Void, where my soul is truly home and truly free.
Receive the Void as a part of you, not just a place you pass through. The vastness of the Void can be received through Self Love, allowing you to expand and receive these immense pieces of your being that otherwise seem impossible to grasp or accept.
I honor this full integration of my foundation. I finally feel ready to be in relationship with my darkness. I see it in a whole new way. As the ultimate gift from the Universe; a place from which to freely and infinitely create.
Grandmothers, I call on you to weave my darkness into the intricacy of my wholeness. Let it become the foundation for my full expression of my authentic soul self and my wild and innocent heart.
And so it is.
heartfeltwholeself 